"I guess it's gonna have to hurt. I guess I'm gonna have to cry and let go of some things I've loved to get to the other side. It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
It's been a long semester. One with many ups and downs. I feel awful for not blogging at all, but I'm making up for it now. I've realized what a release blogging is for me to get all of my feelings out. I hate relationships. period. Sometimes I feel like relationships is one thing in my life that I can actually control, but honestly, you definitely cannot. You can't make someone like or not like you. You can't make people understand the feelings you have for them, even if you tell them bluntly a million times. You can't make people understand you, period. You can't force yourself to trust people when you've been hurt so bad in the past and every guy you've let in recently has let you down. You can't make people happy. People make themselves happy. No matter how hard you try, you can't please everyone.
I'm slowly learning each and every one of these truths. Especially, the last one. It is so hard for me to understand that I can't make eveyone happy. I think I try so hard that I end up failing, which makes me feel even more awful about myself. I just wish I could love myself for who I am, without changing anything about myself. I wish I could do something for me, instead of trying to make everyone else happy by bending over backwards, just for them to let me down in the future.
I don't understand why I can't just get over that one guy. I don't know why I can't trust people. I don't know why I always think the worst about everything. I honestly don't. I don't know why I just can't be happy, why I just can't let go of everything I've ever felt about myself and my relationships. I am so afraid of dying alone. Alone with no friends, alone with no soulmate, ALONE.
People always say if you lie down with dogs, you'll get fleas. So, where are my fleas? Why can't I be confident? Why can't I be like I used to be? Why did he have to hurt me like this? And why am I continuing to let him hurt me every day? Why does he always have to be in the back of my mind?
The funny thing about everyone of those questions, I've already answered them. The beginning quote means the world to me. It's a Carrie Underwood song. The song that came on right after that "one guy" broke up with me. I felt like there was some meaning in it. And still to this day, I have to remind myself that things happen for a reason. Doors close so others can open. The things I learned from each day and every new experience has made me the person who I am today and from now on, I have to make the best of every experience. Stop taking it so negatively, and know something good will come from it. I'm still looking for what good thing is going to happen because of some of the things that have happened recently. When I find out, I will be very grateful.
So, my life so far.
1. I gave my fundraising position up last week. It was definitely bittersweet. I am going to miss the running around and craziness of BMOC and the Chili-cookoff. I was named Recruitment Assistant tonight. :)
2. My grades are finally seeming to show the work that I've put in for this semester. YESSS!
3. I miss my best friend at home, so so much. She definitely is my other half. And I feel like half of me is missing.
4. This semester, I have definitely changed as a person. Mostly because of friends coming in and out of my life. I feel like my change has become a good thing. I am more of the person I aspire to be, but I'm still working towards becoming who I want to be.
5. I have a Calculus Test tomorrow. I've been on YouTube for the past 4 hours watching tutoring videos about how to do calculus because my teacher is awful. I still don't get it.
6. I changed my major. I am now following in the footsteps of my mother. I am an accounting major, and I aspire to work for Zeta Tau Alpha, INC. :)
7. Next semester is going to be VERY hard, but very worth the effort.
8. I will be a more positive person.
I couldn't ask for better friends. Period. And I thank God everyday for the life he has given me, even though I tend to complain about it alot. I'm slowly working toward changing myself.
you know you love me,
KJ
Sunday, November 22, 2009
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